Thoughts on Father's Day

Well, technically this is the second Father's Day I have had since my marriage fell apart last year. But my approach in 2008 was quite simple; Father's Day did not exist in my world. It couldn't exist. There was just too much pain and heartache involved since the separation had occurred just days before.

I thought 2009 would be easier. But these past two days have proven me wrong in that department. Friday night, I was in tears because I missed my kiddos so much. At this point, I'm only getting two and a half hours a week with them in visitation; a paltry amount of time to be a father to my own children. Realistically, it's enough time to sit down and play with them for a while and exchange some hugs and kisses. Not exactly quality parenting time in my book.

So I asked to get my weekly time with the kids later today—on Father's Day—thinking it would be a very nice time to see the trio. But now I'm having some serious reservations. In just over ten hours, I will have my kids in my arms for another brief period of their lives. I will get to see how much they are learning and changing while I am evicted from their day-to-day lives. And a short time afterward, I will choke back the tears as I bid them farewell until our next visit. And I'll return to the house where they used to run up and down the stairs, filling the house with laughter, and I will start anew the process of missing them terribly until the next visit comes around.

It isn't fair, I know. It isn't right. But it is the current situation. I do hope and pray things will get better once the divorce is officially done and the paperwork is signed. (Just when that will be, I don't know. But that's a subject for another blog post.)

I just can't help but think of how many times H would say she felt sorry for me because my dad left the family when I was in third grade. She called my family "dysfunctional" on many occasions since I grew up without a father. Yet, she has had no reservations about tearing our own family apart and forcing me out of the picture almost completely.

Passion

Noun

• S: (n) passion, passionateness (a strong feeling or emotion)
• S: (n) heat, warmth, passion (the trait of being intensely emotional)
• S: (n) rage, passion (something that is desired intensely) "his rage for fame destroyed him"
• S: (n) mania, passion, cacoethes (an irrational but irresistible motive for a belief or action)
• S: (n) passion (a feeling of strong sexual desire)
• S: (n) love, passion (any object of warm affection or devotion) "the theater was her first love"; "he has a passion for cock fighting";
• S: (n) Passion, Passion of Christ (the suffering of Jesus at the Crucifixion)

Source: WordNet

Passion takes many forms. There is of course the passion between lovers. There is the passion between an artist and her art. There is the passion toward one's child. There is the passion of a sports aficionado. There is the passion of life.

So why has passion been on my mind so much recently? I think it is because a number of passions have been reignited in my life over the past few months. Passions which were brought into dormancy over the years and were never nurtured. Never allowed to show themselves. Never expressed.

So why did my passion get quenched? Well, those close to me know the answer to it. Everyone else will just have to wonder. But the important thing is they have been rebirthed.

But the most important passion in my life: The passion for life.

The Resurrection of Self

How can you see into my eyes like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

—Evanescence, Bring Me to Life

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How is it possible for one to die and not even take notice of it? I guess if I had stayed in touch with some of my friends—like NoMariposa and Lorem—then I would have seen the slow death that I was going through during my marriage. Slowly neglecting my passion for photography and my participation in social activities were sure signs (at this point in my life) that the changes going on in my life were not for the best.

I guess it's easy to let the business of daily 'living' suck the energy and life out of you if you're not careful. If I'm not careful, I can work too many hours on the job until I have wiped myself out for non-work activities. Too much of today's American society seems to be dealing with the urgent while neglecting the important. (To borrow Dr. Stephen Covey's terminology.)

Yet it is the important things in life that we should be focusing on. Being the best parent we possibly can be to our children. Building and sustaining the relationships we have with friends. Nurturing ourselves in order to be able to nurture the world around us.

Because if we don't we will become numb inside. Or even worse, jaded and cynical. (Like some cyclist/photographer/blogger I happen to know.)

Something to think about...

"Deep optimism is aware of problems, but recognizes the solution; knows about difficulties, but believes they can be overcome; sees the negative, but accentuates the positive; is exposed to the worst, but expects the best; has reason to complain, but prefers to smile."

—Dr. William Arthur Ward

Don't ask...

Yes, I'm up again in the wee hours of the morning. The laptop clock shows 2:13 in the a.m. and I feel absolutely fine. My circadian rhythm is completely screwed up. I feel like I need to take a week off work in order to try and adjust my sleeping pattern to something much more reasonable.

But I didn't come here to write about my screwed up sleep schedule. I wanted to write about a good friend of mine: let's call her Lorem. This is someone I had the opportunity to meet back in the day when I was a mere student at Indiana University playing around with film cameras, developing reels, and enlargers. (God, do I miss those days!)

Well Lorem and I have reconnected since H and I split up last June. She has shared with me a blog she once wrote and has invited me into her thoughts and experiences during the dark period when we weren't in touch with each other. Reading the struggles she went through are just awe-inspiring to me. I cannot believe she was able to write about the things she expressed so eloquently as they were happening.

I am grateful she has chosen to share with me. And in return, I am re-affirming my commitment to share my life with everyone through Spinning Spokes.